The very word Erotic comes from the Greek word eros, the personification of love in all its aspects - born of Chaos, and personifying creative power and harmony. When I speak of the erotic, then, I speak of it as an assertion of the lifeforce of women; of that creative energy empowered, the knowledge and use of which we are now reclaiming in our language, our history, our dancing, our loving, our work, our lives.

When we begin to live from within outward, in touch with the power of the erotic within ourselves, and allowing the power to inform and illuminate our actions upon the world around us, then we begin to be responsible to ourselves in the deepest sense. For as we begin to recognize our deepest feelings, we begin to give up, of necessity, being satisfied with suffering and self-negation, and with the numbness which so often seems like their only alternative in our society.

I am exploring erotic through my own identity. I approach my practice as an experience, a physical and almost performative moment that allows me to create a visual language to explore identity. All my practice is a trial to unfold my own sexuality and try to reflect and aware it as a power. I use layers and repetitions in my practice as a way to show differences of me in time. This immersive experience is therefore an investigation of myself through time. That means using it as a power, which means to be responsible for deepest feelings and not giving up, of necessity, being satisfied with suffering and self-negation, and with the numbness which so often seems like their only alternative in our society. The repetition in my practice is part of a routine which helps to release, and control the chaos, traps the ideas, and thoughts, making them more structured and logical. Repetition also is a huge part of the process as a factory when you acknowledge your voice and favour from your sustainable repetitive movements which is not visible but still makes you feel calm and energised keep going searching and not giving up. So that means that everyone's efforts and energy accumulate the result itself. That means using it as a power, which means to be responsible for deepest feelings and not giving up, of necessity, being satisfied with suffering and self-negation, and with the numbness which so often seems like their only alternative in our society.

I envision my visual practice as tools for unfolding my own identity, where the idea of language is also imperative and I am exploring how the visual representation of symbols, images and words evoke certain emotions due to the shapes and forms that they take upon when writing painting them out, and how this is similar to the act of painting. The 'painted text' also behaves as a form of materialising thoughts, where it doesn't merely serve the purpose of informing the word's actual meaning, but it also becomes a tool to draw the emotional rhythm of thoughts, and thus also shining evidence at the intimate and emotional process of this experience, which is precisely what the painting process means to me. The outcome is the visualisation of the struggle of the process in an authentic, primal language through physical and emotional exchanges of energy that charts an intimate disclosure of my experiences; materialising thoughts.

When we begin to live from within outward, in touch with the power of the erotic within ourselves, and allowing the power to inform and illuminate our actions upon the world around us, then we begin to be responsible to ourselves in the deepest sense. For as we begin to recognize our deepest feelings, we begin to give up, of necessity, being satisfied with suffering and self-negation, and with the numbness which so often seems like their only alternative in our society.

Audre Lorde

The ambassador's premise is that those I'm a dominant position of power and authority are the only ones who "truly know" how those in lesser positions of power and authority "are supposed to act."
According to the concept of M.Dragonfly, with its pun on the play M.Butterfly, because I think both this chapter and the play speak to much the same issues: presentation of self, perception of self and others, implications for cross-cultural communications, and, perhaps most important of all, the political and socioeconomic power involved in who defines whom with regard to gender and sexuality.

I started experience with filming of myself. I used it previously but never considered it as a part of my practice. I was really embarrassed for using myself as a tool, I used I saw lots of personal in this type of an action. Eventually, through my practice with animation and using mammals as a symbolic image I am interested in experiencing with my own body through my personal experience as a woman. It's a sort of attempt to understand boundaries of my body. Also, it's a way of awareness of woman's sexuality and how it works in real life and digital. This is a performative way talking about real beauty, spontaneous, mistakes, fears, shyness, emotions.

03.03.2021

Cells in my practice and how I express them visually.

Today I would like to talk about cells in my practice. The first time when I caught myself that I draw cells or film spaces which remind diverse of barriers. I did not realise why I have been doing this but now when I looked at these materials through time I thought about it seriously. I am talking a lot about sexuality and fears and I do believe that the range of these facts impacts on one each other from my personal experience. For me cells is not the same as a cage it is more about an asylum where you feel secure. Although this security might be very misleading in fact that a man always tends to hide from reality or from an inner voice and make a decision for the benefit of logical and ethical aspect. On the other hand, the cell can be a place of own security like a human body can be considered as a chamber of secrets.
Interesting, that the cage might have variety of reverse meanings such as feelings of fragility, defencelessness, loneliness or isolation although in parallel this place of meditation, focused on deep understanding and reflection of oneself through array of practice: learning, creation, silence, listening and so on.

I was really hooked of Louise Bourgeois thoughts about cells:

"Each cell deals with a fear. Fear is pain... each cell deals with the pleasure of the voyeur, the thrill of looking and being looked at."

I consider this sentence from the side of sensual context and desire to get out from the cage although at the same time because of personal fears and social attitudes. The cell keeps a man inside what might force him to find ways for expressing pain through the anger, varieties of violence or cultivation of sexual energy and expression it in a way of constructive or creative reflections. I like an idea to be seen by someone it is also about pleasure and sex. I see something perverse in this, also, through those expressions a human being shows the real face of oneself with desires, fantasies and strength to control emotions but at the same time to be brave enough showing personal imperfection.

08.03.2021

First day in the studio after lockdown.

I am in the studio, looking at my wall with black and white drawings. I put my drawings on the floor which I drew at home during the quarantine's time. Surprisingly, I realised how different these sketches are but at the same time how similar these in approach and course of lines. Movements still fuzzy and looping but there is more symbolic images appears. I really enjoy how it all works together in spite of the fact that all of those were made from different media and campaigns. I curiously noticed how every step of research impacts on the next one and how it is embodied unexpectedly in quite logical thread through the whole process of work. In addition, embedding of technologies in my practice allows me to rethink the traditional painting and evolve them from other side.

Also, I am thinking a lot about how to depict all of those artworks together and it is necessary to show the whole bunch of works. I really enjoy the idea of a space is fulfilled of drawings, sketches, digital drawing, paintings as a sort of release through the endless process of frustration, fears and affectation. Basically, every image is a part of the process of cognition of duality, where the process becomes the key meaning rather than the final result.

12.03.2021

Today I am feeling like a beast...

30.03.2021

Today I am feeling myself as a pilot or a bird or an equilibrist who balances between a total of mess in contemporary life and a level of consciousness in a taking decisions and personal choices. We all today feel responsibility for our choices because an impact after making a decision is always considerable for a multiple in diverse aspects of life.

"Matter thus offers an infinitely porous, spongy, or cavernous texture without emptiness, caverns endlessly contained in other caverns: no matter how small, each body contains a world pierced with irregular passages, surrounded and penetrated by an increasingly vaporous fluid, the totality of the universe resembling a “pond of matter in which there exist different flows and waves.”

Multiple is a matter full of porous, spongy and cavernous texture. Caverns endlessly contained in other caverns

I hung sketches on the walls, put them on the floor. From time to time I mix them together or stick them one to another then change there positions. In the centre pop a black and white collage I hung the drawing of a naked woman who is sitting on a chair. The figure looks knackered, overwhelmed and exhausted, allthough, it seems that she feels comfortable to be naked probably it because this condition quite natural and ordinary for her so that might symbolise confidence, independence and freedom.

A symbol or a metaphorical image means a lot in my practice. I capture inspiration and ideas from everyday life. Later, I sort them out from dozen photographs, notes, sketches, books or videos. Usually, I do things unconsciously it is a kind of allowing your passionate, animal nature to lead you up which gives pretty interesting unexpected result. An image of a rabbit appeared in my practice also subconsciously like an impulsive reaction on the event when I was in Russia. For a second I felt myself as a rabbit who was locked in a cell without right to choose.
Hares are often associated with birth and resurrection. They are born, live and die within a short time, in line with the seasons, making them an ideal visual nod to the theme of mortality in art.
Their rapid breading rate also implies fertility and sensuality, yet as a prey animal, rabbits simultaneously indicate innocence and love.
In Judaism rabbits as a symbol of the Diaspora.
Diaspora for me it's a kind of necessity belonging to a cultural group, a tribe, a family or religion like a solid social chain which gives a feeling of stability and illusory (assumptive) order. Also, Diaspora may impacts on a upbringing of a man forming his identity through the religious, social aspect, values and so on. It forms everything patterns of behaviour, habits and attachment to traditions.